Roles

We’d been dating for a while and during that time he was attentive, polite and very thoughtful. He would always ask me about my day, offer to meet for lunch and stay up late studying with me. He seemed like the perfect guy…until we went and visited his family. And then I saw a completely different side of him. He hung out all day with his brothers, did little or nothing to pick up around the house and then when his mom called everyone for dinner, he and his brothers AND his dad just kept watching TV. Nobody moved. His mom kept calling and calling, but no movement. Until THEY were ready. Geesh! After dinner, they all disappeared and left his mom to clean up. I looked around and thought surely I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Because this guy, this wonderful guy, was a nightmare!!!

This past week I visited my brother in Ohio. Steve. He’s 6-½ years older than me and I have always loved him. Even though he drove me nuts growing up. While I was there I found myself feeling like the little sister that I had always been. As I held the bannister while I walked down their stairs, in my mind I was skipping down the stairs as though I was 16. Throughout the visit I did everything I could to get my brother’s attention. I teased him, asked questions, and generally just wanted to be near him and be seen by him. Just like I had done as a child. 

It’s so interesting that when we return to the lives we used to live, we step right back into the roles that we are familiar with. No matter how old we get. At my high school reunion many years ago, I hung out with my high school friends while looking longingly at the cool “kids” across the room; just like I did in high school. At my 25 year drama reunion, I became the seasoned actor and writer. That I had always been.

It all makes sense because that’s what we know and that’s the role we were given. No matter how much time has passed when we step back in, that’s the only way we know how to behave. 

But then I got to thinking about my current roles. Roles that I didn’t grow up in. I chose them. Such as, working at Heartland with 30 and 40 year olds. Which, when you do the math, puts me at 30 and 40 years older than them. So my role? I’m more of an observer and listener, a bit insecure, if I’m honest. A role that I continue to figure out as I go.

Contrast that with my closest friends where I’m completely the opposite. Chatty, funny (or at least I think so), full of life. Another role I have chosen. A role that I always step back into the moment I answer their call or see them in person. A role that I think is more closer to who I really am than with anyone else.

These are not new thoughts to the general public. We all know we play roles depending on our environment, but it’s where my thoughts have been these last few days.

Which also got me thinking about Jesus. The role I play or have been assigned or self-assigned in my relationship with him. There’s no stepping in and out of a role when it comes to Jesus. There’s just me. And him. Free to be quiet, insecure, chatty, funny (or at least I think so), and attention getting. I don’t have to worry about being rejected for moments of thoughtlessness in word or deed, worried about how I fit in, or looking across the room to see if he’ll notice me. 

Oh, he notices me. Which, when you think about it, is the only role that really matters. Being noticed by Jesus.

I’m going to be thinking about this for a while. Because these roles that I’ve played and the roles that I’m currently in matter to me. The people, the relationships, the jobs, the Jesus. I guess when you put them all together it’s a pretty clear picture of who I am. A little fun, a little quiet, a little insecure and a little Twilight Zone.