34 Days Left

Years ago I was a part of a teaching team for a Women’s Ministry. At this particular time, we were doing a series on spiritual disciplines. My week was prayer and fasting. Prayer - YAH!!  Fasting - UGH!! And what made it worse was that God very clearly asked me - okay, he told me - to fast in order to teach on it. FOR SEVEN DAYS!!! Oh boy, did I fight him on this, but eventually, of course, he won. But I wasn’t happy. For the first three days I argued and complained the entire time. I slandered stores for having candy at their stupid check-out lines, yelled at commercials for their dumb fast food ads and sat grumpy at lunch with my thoughtless, food-eating friends. I was not pleasant to be around. However…by the time I got to day seven everything had changed. It was as if I was wearing my noise cancelling aidpods; my life was surprisingly quiet and calm. I was actually resistant to eating again, fearful to return to the loud life I lived. I didn’t want to lose this peace that I was experiencing.

For the past many, many years I have celebrated Passover and Hanukkah and Advent along, of course, with Christmas and Easter. I have never given any thought to Lent. That was just something done at those other churches so I was never interested in it. The only thing I knew about it was that people had to give something up for 40 days. Which I thought was a bit weird.

But here I am observing or participating (I’m not sure what the correct verb is) in Lent. Stepping into this “holiday” for the first time. I’ve got myself an excellent devotional, “Friend of Sinners” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and, yes, I’m fasting. Not from food but something just as bad, well, hard - the screen of entertainment. Going without watching TV or live streams on my ipad or scrolling through Social Media. I thought going without food for seven days was hard. Let me tell you, this is equally or maybe more difficult than I could have ever predicted. 

I had no idea how much the TV and my phone filled my life. Because as I faced Day 1, this past Wednesday, I didn’t know what to do with myself. By the time evening came, I started walking around to stay awake so I didn’t go to bed at 7:00 pm.

I don’t have hobbies outside of reading and one can read for only so long before your mind shuts down. I played Solitaire but that got old after a while. So I resorted this past Friday - Day 3 -  to go to Hobby Lobby to see if I could buy and learn something new to fill my time. I grimaced at everything I looked at - no interest or predictable talent foreseen. But I bought some things anyway: how to crochet, how to cross-stitch, wood coloring and paint by number. They’re currently sitting on my counter waiting for attention. I fear they’ll soon become dust bunnies.

But in the midst of this boredom and angst, I have begun to remember why I’m doing this. I’m headed to Easter, the days leading up to Jesus choosing the cross. For me. It’s thought provoking and heart stopping when I take the time to think and feel and remember his path to the cross. Those 40 days for Jesus had to have been horrendous, knowing what was to come. Suffering in ways I can’t imagine. Suffering in his heart for those who had no idea the why or what he was about to do; suffering in his body for the flogging, the spear, the crown, the nails, the unbelievable pain; suffering in his spirit from being torn from his father’s love as he died for my sins. Seven days without food, 40 days without TV. This wasn’t nor is it even close to suffering. 

In today’s devotional I learned a Latin phrase - memento mori. It means “remember you must die.” But, it’s not a depressing phrase. Instead, it’s considered a very good and powerful saying. It motivates us to live life fully, focus on what truly matters, create urgency, foster gratitude and reduce anxiety. Appreciate the present, prioritize relationships and act authentically. Because we are all headed to death. 

But death isn’t the whole story. Death is not the end; there’s a resurrection to come.

It’s day 6 and memento mori is taking hold of my life. Just like when I fasted food those many years ago, I’m here again. Experiencing peace, calm and rest, beginning to focus on what truly matters. And although it remains a bit daunting, I continue on. But, unlike day 1, I’m looking ahead with anticipation for what’s to come, knowing I only have 34 days left.