Knowing God

A few months ago I decided that I wanted to devote some time to know God. (Cue Masterpiece Theater music while I get in my smoking jacket and pour some English Breakfast tea all while I type the rest of this in a British accent.) I know that sounds so lofty. To know God. Believe me, I am no scholar of God or the Bible, but I’ve been thinking about my relationships.

The relationships I have with my close friends involve knowing each other. Asking questions and listening and then sharing a little bit of my own life. Not once, that I can think of, have I ever entered into a conversation with my friends looking to get something out of it for me. I read their texts, their emails, listen about their lives just for the pure joy of knowing them. I can’t say the same is true of my relationship with God. I’ve always read the Bible with the purpose of getting something out of it for me. Which is, I guess, the purpose of scripture. Timothy tells us that all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. But I’m talking about God. The one true God. And knowing Him. Apart from myself.

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months and will continue, most likely, for the rest of the year. And let me tell you, this is no small feat. First of all, it’s incredibly hard to know God, especially in the Old Testament.

There are the wars, the wiping out of tribes of people, the unstable or godless leaders who God put in place. Some days I feel as though I’m walking amongst fallen bodies in a field just to find some remnant of God.

Then there are the prophets whose words are so confusing, it feels as though they belong in a looney bin. I’m sludging through books and chapters and verses, looking, digging and scrounging. I’m a CSI agent dissecting clues. Looking for God.

Some days I close my Bible and “notebook of knowledge,” having found nothing. Then there are days that I do find him. And know Him. And it makes me late for work. Because it feels fresh and new and thought provoking. Because what I learn, yes, impacts me. It can’t be helped. He made me for Him. Apart from Him, not only can I do nothing, I believe I am nothing. To know Him more is to love Him more with a side dish of a life renewed with hope and purpose.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t know God apart from me. Nor, I guess, should I. But I believe God wants to be known, to be trusted, to be worshiped. Just because He is God. But He also wants to be the greatest influence in my life. So I’m going to keep at it. To know God. In all his mystery and messiness and looney toons confusion. And in the process, in knowing Him better, I just might become more of the person He made me to be.