In Pursuit

I grew up in a Christian home. From the moment I was born I went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and every holiday and church event in between. It wasn’t until I was in college that I ever watched The Wizard of Oz because it always played on TV on New Years Eve and that night I was always at church. I was president of my church BYF (Baptist Youth Fellowship) and I was also president of the Ohio BYF. God and church were just always a part of my life. God was like having a sibling. He was always there, had a seat at the table and was part of our conversations. I had a Bible, and knew, generally, what it said. I mean, gosh, I attended church camp every summer which required, on more than one occasion, to memorize the books of the Bible as well as I Corinthians 13. So, I considered myself well versed in the Bible, the church, God and Jesus. 

It wasn’t until I was in my late 40s that I began to wonder if there was more. More to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit (which I knew very little of). I found myself asking God what else there was to know about all this. Specifically, faith. Thus began the journey of my knowing God and the guys and the Bible away from the dining room table. I attended conferences that were much different from my little church camp. AND I began to read the Bible, starting in the Old Testament, a place that I had seldom ventured into. And I’ve been at it ever since.

But these last 4 years, I’d say, have been the most influential. Because of a craving to know more. To understand more. Maybe it began when I was in Israel. Verses and stories came alive because they were explained and shown in context. I remember thinking at one point, “Why the heck didn’t anyone ever put the Bible in context for me? Because, suddenly it makes so much more sense and I find that I want, even more, to do what it says!!”

But the thing that is hitting me this week is the fact that I find that I am relentless in keeping my Bible study schedule. I am learning something new each day, yes, but, still there’s this unmistakable drive within me. And I’m trying to figure out why.

I mean, I’m 70 freakin’ years old. I’m close to meeting the real thing in person in just a matter of time. (Just to be clear, I’m not sick nor is death standing at my door. But this is the reality.) I’m going to get all my answers in a few years so why am I driven to know as much as I can now?

I think, as I type these thoughts out…I think maybe I want to…………………………………..

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As I was writing I got a text from Linds that they were taking Eva into the ED because she just hasn’t been doing well and they need to figure it out. (She’s home now and they’ve got some answers.) So I scooted over to see her before she left. As I was there with her, I found my answer.

I’ve spent my life, especially these last 5 years, uncertain of God. And I’m tired. I’m tired of wavering; tired of battling the insecurity of my faith. I want to be able to take my prayers - for Eva, for others who ask for prayer -  before God with the greatest of confidence, without hesitation, and hand them to him with complete trust. I know that sounds like the song from Sound of Music, “To Dream the Impossible Dream,” but there it is. I’m done with boosting myself up to pray for my family and my friends before I approach God. I want more for them, for my prayers. So, for me, it seems as though to get there, I’m spending my days in study. To have a deeper understanding of Scripture. To know God’s heart more. To understand his words more. To become even more acquainted with the ever-intangible Holy Spirit. So I can pray in faith, every single time, without wavering. 

Even though I’m going to have a face to face with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit sooner versus later, I’m going to keep at it. And leave the myriad of unanswered questions for sometime later when the 3 of them and I can sit down and talk it out. But in the meantime, I’m in pursuit. To learn, to grow, to love and to maybe, maybe, some day soon, pray to my God without fear or doubt or hesitation. Wish me luck.